The road goes ever on...

In five days, I will be leaving Swedish soil and make my way to a new life in a new country. For four months now, I have been preparing myself for this - packing, throwing away things, donating other things. Paperwork and re-arrangements. Cleaning out both cupboards and memories.

By all accounts, I should be either freaking out or feeling separation anxiety, but I just feel excitement. True, I am not looking forward to flying. I get so ill when I fly and if it's one thing I really really hate, it's being nauseous. However, the wanderlust in me is like an over-happy puppy, bouncing around and wagging its tail.

It's so very hard to explain why I don't feel sad about leaving.
I have really good friends here. There are places in this town and in the neighboring townships that I love with a burning passion. And yet, I feel no sadness waving goodbye to all of that. I will miss my friends, that's for sure, but somehow I have this feeling that they won't be gone even though I won't see them every day. Maybe it's because of my mental compartmentalizing. Maybe it's because I'm used to saying goodbye and/or not having close friends. JerkBrain is trying to shame me with "You just don't care about anyone but yourself"and I do feel bad about not feeling bad, but then I mentally shrug and go back to being excited.

I have never really had one place that I call 'home'. Where I've lived either have painful memories attached or have just been temporary. I have felt like I'm mid transfer all my life, always moving towards somewhere else. This is the first time I've ever felt that I am going to move home, and it has nothing to do with the place and everything with seeing Boy again. Everything here is so familiar that it is a part of who I am. Boy is someone who is not a part of my past. He is not a part of the hurt and the frustration.

This town holds memories, both bad and good. Dublin is completely new to me, and I live for new adventures. Going to Dublin is like running out on a diving board, jumping to gain momentum and height, then flying in a perfect arc before diving into the water, body sliding like a knife through the water surface.
Leaving is just like stepping out of a cage to feel warmth on my face.