TW: Why I chose life

It is very humbling to get taught a valuable lesson about yourself by a stranger five years your junior. Humbling and refreshing.


Trigger warnings apply for attempted suicide and bullying.
 

When I was a child, I was fearless.
I cannot tell you how many trees I've fallen out of, how many cliffs I've tumbled from, or how many times I have crashed in ski slopes over the years. I have sprained my left ankle, both knees, my right hip, and all but two fingers.
I would great everyone I met, from people working at the grocery store to the homeless man living by the parking lot, with a smile and happy chatter.

All that changed when I started school.
I remember being excited about school. About all the new possibilities. The teachers repeatedly told my parents that I was all over the place, eager to explore everything.

I was seven years old when I ended up in Hell.
I do not know what triggered it, why they targeted me, but suddenly, a big portion of the kids in my year turned on me. Words would rain down on me as soon as the adults were out of the way.

Stupid.
Fat.
Snail.
Worthless.
Waste of air.
Waste of space.
Disgusting.
Nasty.
Freak.

I had things destroyed, items stolen. Someone ripped apart a patchwork pillow I had made for my dad. I would get ice and rock stuffed snowballs flung at my head, balls kicked at me during PE.

Five years of continued abuse, and then suddenly, it stopped. I was left with a darkness where my laughter had been. My whole being had been reduced to a dying flicker and my world was just hurt and darkness and emptiness.

It took me almost two years to work myself up to being suicidal. I know it sounds odd, but I was at such a low point that I didn't care if I lived or died. It just didn't matter. I was 13 years old when I started caring about the world around me, and I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with it, I just wanted out.
So one day, I stole a pack of my mom's sleeping pills. I had planned it out perfectly. I would take them just before dinner. That way, I would be found when I didn't show up to eat. I popped out the ten pills that were left in the box, and swallowed them.
For years, I did not understand what possessed me to get up from my bed when mom called out that dinner was ready.

Until today.

Today, I got a hold of the "Bound Gods" video with Sebastian Keys, Van Darkholme, Master Avery, and Kieron Ryan. When Van was pushing Sebastian to the limit and Sebastian finally lets go, I finally understood.

I need to live. I WANT to live.

The hurt, the abuse, and the suffering had reduced my being to something barely resembling a living thing and my sense of self was fighting back. I looked around me and I hated what I saw. So I made the decision to end it, and in a sense I did.
When I closed my eyes, I said good bye to a world of hurt and cold and dark misery. When I opened my eyes 30 minutes later, I saw sunlight. I felt warmth. I felt the softness of my comforter under my fingers. I smelled the scent of detergent and soap.

I got up and threw up what I could. I had dinner with my family, and then I stayed awake for the entire night. I was beyond tired when I went to school that morning, more tired than I've been before or since.

I am addicted to BDSM because of that feeling. That feeling of absolute bliss, of resounding harmony, that I feel when I break through my limits. When I am focused on the present with absolute clarity.
It took me nearly dying to get that first taste. It took 16 years for me to understand, to finally understand on an instinctual level.

I want to live. I will live on my own terms. Because a wounded 13 year old girl chose to throw up instead of going to sleep, I stand here today and I stand proudly.

And I can shout THIS IS ME. This is MY life. This is how I will live it.

Thank you, Sebastian Keys, for tickling my curiosity into jumping down the rabbit's hole that is Kink dot com. Without you, I might have gone another 16 years before getting it.

Thank you, Sakuya and Jackson, for loving me, supporting me, laughing and crying with me.

Thank you, Boy, for sitting down next to a shell of a human and having the patience to support her as she climbed into the light.