The roles I play - Part 10. Mother, Maybe.

I have been privileged enough to identify as the sex I was born with (that is, born as female with female genitalia and female coded chromosomes and also identifying as female). My life partner is in the same situation (born male, with male coded chromosomes and male genitalia, and identifying as male).

Unfortunately, there are some disadvantages to be born as a female in today's society. Demands, expectations, and social norms can be a pain in the butt. In my life, human individuals in my social surroundings are particularly interested in my potential procreation, which is what prompted this post.


Part 10. Mother, Maybe.

I have written about this in the past. Many times. Because this is a topic close to my heart and something I get very excited about.

As a female, it is somehow assumed that the main goal in my life is to give birth to at least one child. Being childless is seen as a bad thing and more than once, I've been told how sorry people, often strangers, are that I am 29 years old and childless. It is seen as a personal tragedy that I do not have had children yet.

It is apparently even more of a tragedy to me that I am sterile and can't carry children of my own.

I really feel for those who wish for children and just can't have them. Those denied adoption rights, are barren due to illness or accidents, or just have a very hard time becoming pregnant and carrying a child to term. It is a tragedy when a person's dream of children is shattered by something out of their control.

That is not what happened to me.

I became pregnant in 2009, due to a malfunctioning condom. It was the second worst experience of my life. For two months, I was terrified. I cried in fear and frustration, I slept for 14-16 hours per day, I threw up everything I ate, and I was miserable. I did NOT want the bundle of cells growing inside me. The day after my abortion, I felt such profound relief, it was near heavenly.

I am sterile by choice. In 2013, I went through surgery to cut my fallopian tubes to make sure I can never get pregnant again.

- Pause for gasps and outrage -

We back? Good.

I have never wanted children of my own. When talking about my future, I never imagined myself having children. Sure, I entertained the notion of names for potential children, but the thought was one out of expectation, not out of desire for any offspring.

"Have at least two children" my Mom would say. "Being an only child was not fun."

As young as eight, grown-ups would start talking about how many children I wanted, what I would like to name them. If I wanted boys or girls (gender binary, another nasty invention). Not once was I asked if I actually wanted children.

When I started talking about sterilization, I was met by outrage.

- "You'll change your mind"
- "Don't be so selfish. There are women who can't have children"
- "What if your boyfriend wants kids?"
- "It's different when they're your own"

- Thank you for telling me how I'll feel. I'm totally incapable of making my own decisions... Oh, wait. So what if I'll change my mind years from now? There are millions of children in need of safe homes around the world. If I suddenly feel a need to have children, I'll try to adopt.

- So, because one woman who wants kids can't, I, who don't want them, have to procreate? The other woman still won't have the child she wants and I'll have a child I don't want. How is that fair to the child?

- Not his body. Not his decision. I am lucky that Boy doesn't want kids either, but even if he did, still not his call.

- I am not going to go through 9-10 months of misery on the off chance that my feelings will change enough to put up with a lifetime of worry. It's not like I can return the child if I still don't want it after it's born.

So, people, stop assuming that all female identifying humans in fertile age wants children. Sure, many really want them. There are some who dream of nothing else, and can't have them. There are also some who can have children, but really really don't want them. I am one of them. I have known for about 25 years that I don't want children. I will be 30 later this year and my life is satisfying, happy, and I feel totally fulfilled without a MiniMe in my life.

DFTBA