The roles I play - Part 9. Fearless and strong

This post contain potential triggers for phobias

Not much to say about this, really. Countless movies and books have already taken on the this subject. This post is for my own benefit. Putting my fears down in writing makes it easier for me to face them and conquer them.


Part 9. Fearless and Strong

I have a multitude of fears and a few major phobias. For almost all my life I thought that I had to become completely fearless to be strong and independent. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I realized that admitting that I need people in my life meant that I became truly independent (hi there, contradiction. Just stay with me).

I pretended for so long that I could face anything head on. I laughed when I was dragged underwater, I would clench my teeth when watching people burning on TV. I would close my eyes and think about something else when seeing crane flies and using the vacuum cleaner. I would keep my fear of abandonment so close and hidden that the secret was burning me.

I do not do that anymore. Now I admit my fears. I am open and honest about them and I will rage at anyone making fun of me for being scared. I will harm anyone pulling me under water, putting flames to close to my body, or bringing a crane fly near me. I made a group of people's ears ring from screaming in terror straight into a microphone while on TeamSpeak. Reason? A crane fly landed on my computer screen.

My fears and phobias are:

- Drowning
- Burning alive
- Crane flies
- Abandonment
- Humiliation (this has evolved into a social phobia, or social anxiety disorder)

I also get antsy around cliffs and balconies high off the ground, but I am not afraid of heights. I am afraid of hitting the ground should I fall.

I have a deep respect for venomous spiders and snakes, carnivorous animals, and animals large enough to harm me.

I used to be extremely afraid of being choked, but that is one thing breath play has helped me conquer. I know I can hold my breath for almost a minute. I can swim almost 30 yards under water without needing to come up for air.

Every fear I can face and not run away from makes me stronger, makes me feel invincible.

Social phobia is my next big conquest.
Social situations with more than 10 people makes my heart beat faster, my breathing become labored, and cold sweats break out on my back. Panic rises in my chest and adrenaline is flooding my brain. However, every day, I push myself to be social, to talk to people I don't know at my work place, and every day, when I get home, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I have a long way to go, still, but I am on my way.

Strength is not being without fear. Strength is sharing your fears with people you trust, to accept their help, and to push yourself to face your fears.
This is beyond hard to do. Anyone claiming that it's just a matter of "buckle up and stop wimping out" needs a punch somewhere sensitive.

But, as I've learned, nothing worth doing is ever easy. So keep fighting, keep getting stronger, and
Don't Forget To Be Awesome.