The roles I play - Part 8. The Good Girl

This post contain potential triggers for self-harm, harm towards others, mental illness, mental abuse, and mental dissonance.

I write this piece to make a point. Do not copy my way of doing things. I was very destructive towards myself when I was younger and I had some very profound trust issues. I still have some trust issues, but now I have people to confide in, people I trust, and I force myself to write for this blog just to prove to myself that being honest and open feels better than lies and hiding.


Part 7. The Good Girl

In a previous part of this series, I mentioned that I thought that I was only liked because of my school performance. This thought bled over into all aspects of my life and I developed a fear of being abandoned so strong that I put up with abusive boyfriends, abusive people in my class, constant bitterness, hurt, and self-hatred just to keep people with me.

I developed and cultured an image of the well behaved, nice, kind, and generous girl who was always ready to help. In many ways, I still try to be kind and generous, but now it is on my terms. Before, I would drop what I was doing and help out, even if I wanted to be and do something else. I never engaged in conflicts, I never openly rebelled.
Mom sometimes still praises me for never going through a teenage rebellion, even though we clashed rather hard one day the summer of the year I turned 21. This day, we agreed that our relationship works best if we don't spend too much time under the same roof. Both of us are just too strong willed to work together for an extended period of time.

The big thing, though, is this fear I hold of being abandoned. I have no problems with spending time on my own. In fact, I need time to recharge every day, and I can't have other people around me during this time, partly because I feel I need to cater to them instead of myself. Another large part of me is my refusal to experience any more humiliation in my life.

You see, while I try my hardest to not cause undue discomfort or pain to other living beings, my biggest reason to "behave" is so I don't get humiliated. I stick to rules, laws and regulations, not because of a moral need, but to avoid getting caught and put through awkward questions. If I behave and stick to the rules for long enough, I can usually get away with some rule breaking.

I play the role of the Good Girl, because I've had enough humiliation to last the rest of my life. While I try to be kind, generous, and caring, there is a part of me most people have never seen.

It's the part of me who verbally eviscerates other players in MMORPGs if I get provoked. I have torn more than one person apart for being an ass hat and a bigot.

It's the part of me who feels no shame about daydreaming of ripping out a teacher's throat with my bare hands. I was bored and she was talking nonsense.

It's the part of me who, while grappling during martial art practice, took pride in defeating a guy twice my size by borderline cheating. I got my feet up on each side of his Precious and I just lifted him off of me, using said feet. It was the first time I heard a grown man whimper.

It's the part of me who, if threatened, will defend itself by any means necessary. I have been told that I have a devastating use of words and that I get scary when I get angry. I have never regretted what I say or do when I get angry. I just don't get angry that often. It's usually my actions when I get frustrated that causes me shame.

Another side of me not fitting the Good Girl standard would be the interests I have that my parents and sister probably don't want to know anything about.
The bondage addict side. The submissive masochist who loves to provoke her significant other into rough sex (like he would do anything against his will. Pssh. It's a game.) Who gets off on getting choked, slapped around, and caned within an inch of her sanity.

I can pick locks, smuggle things out of stores (yes, I was a shoplifter when I was 10-15 years old. I was bored and hurt and it was a challenge. I was never caught), and find just about any hidden object in a house.

I've passed oral exams without even opening the book, just by manipulating the other students. I have cheated on a fair share of pop quizzes and tests.

I have never lied to get others into trouble, but I have lied to get myself out of bad situations.

The only people who matter to me at all are my friends and relatives. The people I work with, the people I pass on the street, I really don't care about them at all.
That's not to say I won't help when I see someone in need. I'll help old people pick out groceries, I give beverages and food to the homeless when I can. I give my bus tickets to others if there's a lot of time left on them and I won't use them anymore. I am a LGBTQIA advocate, a Human Rights advocate, and a feminist.

If asked, though, I just don't care about strangers' opinions, lives, or issues. I have enough to deal with in my own life to care about people who are not part of said life.

Being selfish about what I care about makes it possible for me to focus my attention to what really matters to me. I am nice and kind, generous and giving towards those I like. I am not nasty or unkind towards strangers.

I am perverted, sometimes a liar, used to be a thief, and I have hurt others, or imagined hurting others, without remorse. I will defend myself and those I love by any means necessary. I play dirty and I fight dirty.

I am the Good Girl, but only when I choose to be. I love with all my heart. I am kind to those who are around me. I believe that everyone has good intentions, until proven wrong, and I will respond in kind.

At my core, I am a nice person, but don't mistake being nice for being Good Girl.

DFTBA