TW: Relapse

Trigger warnings apply for: depression, self-depreciation, anxiety



Some days, the hopelessness burns through all defenses and leaves me feeling weak and so very tired.

The feeling of living life without purpose is a a warm feeling, but not the comfortable warmth of a bed or a soft blanket. It's the warmth of a humid, overcast day. Of waking up in a too warm room or being stuck on a train without air conditioning. It clings to everything and drags down all sense of accomplishment, and even the motivation to do anything except just breathing.

My legs struggle to keep me upright and my arms are so weak, making it hard to hold or lift things.

If I were to describe how longing feels to me, it's the burning sensation of warmth returning to frozen fingers. It's the tingling feeling limbs "waking up" after being deprived of blood for too long. It's the feeling of someone pushing on your breast bone, except I can't push anything off to make the sensation stop.

I look at this blog and all I see is a lazy sod who started writing to create the illusion of a purpose. I look at my life and I see no point to it.

I am just too stubborn to do anything but trudging on. In the back of my mind, I've already made the decision to keep living, but some days, I wish I had more than what's around me to keep me occupied.

There has to be more than this, right?

I get so incredibly frustrated with myself. I am steadily getting better, but then I start to push myself, and my fragile lead window of a life shatters into a myriad of colorful fragments, softly cutting me to shreds.

I am so afraid, so very afraid, of going back to what I used to be, I keep driving myself into the wall over and over. I would do anything to never feel the frozen burn of frustration and depression again, and yet I know that no one can help me if I don't stop myself from going too far.

Hostility and violent thoughts jab at my mind, and I get even angrier at myself, because I know that I am not a violent person.

I need to focus on evicting individuals who take up residence in my mind, but when I have to see them every day, it is really hard.

Anyone have any good coping tools for anxiety induced rage?