This post is partly inspired by this post by Hyperbole And A Half.
There are less than 23 hours to go before I set off on the next stage of my life and right now I am both nervous and exited. Just the nerves is my greatest bane. Much like the famous rage spiral, the Nerve Spiral gets built up over time, one tiny little mishap at a time.
I didn't start getting nervous until about a week ago. Mostly it's because of the fear of being rejected. I know I qualify for the procedure. Logically, I know that there is nothing that can halt the process, physically. I am in pretty good condition, all things considered. My fear is that I will get turned down because of my mental issues.
The social stigma of mental illness is always present, and I really hope that the doctor I will be seeing can look past my depression and realize that I am fully capable of making my own decisions. Sadly, every little thing is setting off and building on my nervousness right now.
Much like the Rage Spiral, the Nerves Spiral starts off with something small, like getting tangled in your sheets or spilling coffee in the morning. I start doubting my own abilities, but manage to reason with myself and conclude that spilling coffee is not a sign of incompetense.
The something else happens, like forgetting to replace the cover of the bike saddle or eating Pringles for breakfast or forgetting words while talking, and suddenly the self-doubt is subtly reinforced.
And so it continues for hours, days, until I am so wound up and nervous that I doubt everything I do, every decision I make.
Logically, I know I am a capable human being, fully able to make decisions and reason my way in and out of situations. Logically, I know that the doctor is not looking for reasons to deny me my wish.
Logic doesn't work on nerves, though. Nerves give logic the finger, then goes prancing through my mind and system, much like Donald Duck prancing around the mulberry bush, and the Nerves Spiral is getting lubed by Extra Strong Astro Glide, making me slip faster and faster.
Deep breaths and working through all kinds of potential hazards might work, but remembering what I want and standing firm in my decision will be both hard and rewarding, in the end.
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