Trigger warnings for: bullying, self-hate, self harm, attempted suicide, phobias
First of all, I would like to point out that this is my experience. I can't speak for everyone who has experienced bullying. I just hope that I can shed some light on the subject and perhaps plant a seed of understanding in those who have never been through this.
Secondly, if you EVER need anyone to talk to, I will post the links to hotlines at the bottom of this post. Do not hesitate to contact these hotlines. Their job is to listen and you can be completely anonymous.
Thirdly, if you know someone who is being bullied, don't turn your back on them. Something as simple as a quiet hand on their shoulder can save a life and/or a mind.
Lastly, bullying the bullies will NOT solve anything. Usually, bullying is born out of ignorance and lack of empathy. Enlightenment is far more effective than violence. That said, NEVER let a bully get away with that kind of behavior. EVER!
Ok, here we go.
I can't tell you a day when it started, nor can I give you a day when it stopped. I used to think that my personal hell began in second grade, but when I think about it, I can't remember a time in elementary school when I wasn't alone and shut out.
Selected last or not at all in PE.
Ignored, over looked. Made invisible.
Snowballs filled with pebbles raining over my head in winter. Pushed down in the snow and my coat filled with ice and dirt.
My clothes stolen.
My arts and crafts projects destroyed.
Names and insults whispered to me or nasty notes passed to me during class.
In third grade we made a name poem and I wrote "Annorlunda" (Different) on one of the A's in my first name.
Every chance my tormentors got, they put me down, called me names, and hurt me, physically and mentally, until I believed what they were saying.
I shut down, completely. Just going through the motions of get up-breakfast-school-homework-swim practice-sleep. Every day the same.
And then it stopped.
And I changed school when I started Junior High.
I went from being pariah to one of the most popular people in my class (classes in Sweden are divided depending on homeroom teacher, not per year. In my 7th grade year, there were 4 classes). To say that I was confused would be an understatement of epic proportions. My entire world was flipped on its axis and I had no grounding point. My world of freezing, empty darkness was crumbling and I was completely lost.
I had absolutely no idea what I had done to be so popular and I started working like a beast possessed to make sure that the dream wouldn't end. I became obsessed with achievement. I felt I had to prove myself worthy of love. Failure was not an option and every time I wasn't perfect, I was ruthless to myself. The words and actions of my tormentors in elementary school were nothing compared to what I did to myself.
Yet slowly, ever so slowly, I started regain a sense of self-worth, even if it was tied to my achievements. I went from not giving a shadow of a bother if I lived or died to not wanting to be alive anymore. At first it wasn't really a will to die. I just didn't want to live. The summer after I turned 13, I stole some of my mom's sleeping pills and swallowed four or five in one go.
If my mom hadn't called out that dinner was ready, or if my instinctual will to live hadn't been as strong, I could have been in serious danger. As it were, it made me wake up and realize that I really didn't want to die.
My fight to regain my sense of self and self-worth began at that point.
I have been fighting hard to stand tall, to figure out who I am. Falling ill this past March was a result of my extreme fear of being abandoned. I am still terrified of being abandoned. My fear of being burned alive, of crane flies, or of drowning is nothing compared to being alone again.
I bear the scars of years of self-harm, both on my skin and in my soul.
I have finally stopped chewing my nails down to the quick. I have stopped pulling my hair when I'm nervous, and I have almost stopped pulling at the joints in my fingers when I am uncomfortable. If I encounter something I find uncomfortable, I challenge myself to do it anyway. I am learning to love myself for who I am. I am learning to love my body the way it is.
The most amazing thing to my mind is that I have never lost my sense of wonder and childlike curiosity. The world is still beautiful to me.
I will not give you platitudes such as "Cheer up!" and "Get a grip!"
All I will say is, you are beautiful and a miracle, even if you don't believe it yourself (I know I have a really hard time believing it when I get told that). Raise your head. Stand tall. You have nothing to prove to anyone, because you are brilliant just the way you are.
As promised, here are a few links that show hotline numbers to worldwide services.
IASP
World-wide Crises Hotlines
Samaritans
Childline UK
Bullying in earlier life can be crippling. I know this from my own experience. I am not sure if the bullies understand what they are doing especially the younger ones, if they do they certainly are very messed up in their heads.
SvaraRaderaBullying makes u feel like you have done something wrong. why are all these people picking on me? it must be something wrong with me. It is not the case. If you have been bullied or are currently being bullied you have to remember it is not your fault! Some people like to make others feel bad and if they can see it is effecting you they will carry on. You may face problems such as schools that are unable to deal with this behavior like i did myself. if things are not happening the way they are supposed to or things are getting worse... you must seek more help.
most people try to keep bullying a secret as they are scared of telling their teachers etc in case the bullies find out. But you really need to stand up and say something because YOU are not in the wrong!
Years of bullying also drove me to self-harm i felt worthless i felt hurt yet i couldn't cry so self harm was my outlet for many years. I was not only being bullied in school but also when i got home to my children's home. I had no break from it and the bullies were in fact worse at home than at school. At school they would put up with name calling but not violence. However when u live in a house with 9 other kids and around 20 rooms its hard for an adult to be present and so the bullying evolved into violence. I had also contemplated killing myself but i got a break.... I met someone, my late partner.
until i had found him i felt like nothing. but finally i started to realize that he liked me. There must be something good about me if he likes me so much right? over the years my confidence started to build and i started being able to choose my friends. I also stopped cutting. ok i may punch a wall when i get angry now but on the whole im generally more relaxed and am not punishing myself for what other want to believe about me.
what we seem to forget is in situations like school many people are just thrown together and you can never do this without conflict. The "stronger" ones will form groups and just like animals will pick on the weaker ones to survive. However at the end of the day if these people were really all that secure they would not need to do this to others to make them feel better.
Now i am a happier person of course i still get bouts of depression and yes like yourself an over whelming fear of abandonment. this however stems from people leaving me either through death or other things over the years. What i have to think to myself is if they have upped and left me then they weren't really all that good for me in the first place. I survive now by being myself if people don't like that then i tell them where to go at the first hurdle i will not compromise the person i have become just for an extra friend that i cant be myself around.
I must admit i hated those years they were awful however now i can look back and say. yes that experience made me stronger as a person. I can now cope with more problems than i would have been able to back then.
Bullying is not fun for anyone and if you don't mind i would like to add a link myself
http://www.samaritans.org/ will talk to you about anything that is concerning you i have used this line before myself in the past. It also deals with problems for adults.
if you are being bullied as a child http://www.childline.org.uk is also a great asset to you. They can advise you on many things they will talk to you about bullying and even situational bullying such as being bullied within a children's home. The best part is it's a free phone number so you can call anytime for nothing.
Also i would like to say thank you for sharing this post i think if more people talk about it and share experiences it may help other who are currently being bullied to stand up and speak out!
I thought long and hard about posting this and I am happy that you found it so rewarding. No child should ever have to go through this kind of trauma, neither should any adult. If I had had someone to talk to back then, someone who shared my experiences, I would probably have had an easier time coping. Then again, I survived, though I have the scars to show for it.
RaderaPeople just don't understand that now, I can look back on this hell and see it for the life shaping experience it is, instead of looking at the persons who did it with hate. Forgiving them has been the best thing I could have done for myself. I don't want to carry that hate and loathing anymore. Forgive the people, not the act. In their case, it was ignorance. As soon as our teachers told everyone about the harm of bullying, it stopped. A little too late, but it stopped.
I will add the links you posted to my post, so others can see it too. People who are subjected to bullying need to know that they're not alone, that it's not their fault, and that they have someone who understands and can be there for them.