TW: Waking up

Trigger Warnings: mental illness, phobia

This post will revolve around the coping mechanisms I use.



The hardest thing to deal with right now is my social anxiety, because how do you explain to people that, even though you need social interaction, being around people scares the will to live out of you? How do you explain the fear to people who have never felt bone chilling terror? I've tried for years to explain myself to people around me, down playing my fears so I wouldn't seem silly or clingy or like a whining brat. My frustration grew exponentially with each attempt and finally, I just gave up, thinking that I was too wrong, too broken, to understand.

Then I figured that instead of seeking the help and understanding from people who have no way of knowing what goes on in my mind, I would try to find ways to cope with the emotions and insecurities on my own. It was an exceptionally bad idea. Failing to explain my fears to others was nothing compared to failing to cope on my own, again and again and again. Nothing I can remember hurt as badly as failing myself over and over.

So, I set out to find a middle way, and I found writing and photography. I can explain my insecurities through the written word and I can show people how I see the world through my photos. Because the world is a beautiful place, filled with life and dreams and emotions, all beyond the single observation of one solo human.

Then I tumbled upon the Coping Box, which I find to be a brilliant thing. Something you create for yourself in order to stay grounded when the tidal wave of frustration, fear, feelings, and self-doubt is threatening to drown you.

My coping box holds

- My raccoon plushie I got when I was 6 months old
- The blanket Jackson's grandmother made for me
- A CD of classical music
- A packet of frankincense incense sticks
- Photos of things I like

Mostly I just snuggle up with the blanket and the plushie when the world just gets to be too much to handle.

When I am at the work rehab place, I have compiled a list of music I find relaxing and I'm blasting music into my head. That way I can live in my little bubble, pretending I am alone until I am ready to talk to other people.

Because I am still so afraid, so conscious of others' judgement, that I can barely function in large groups. My depression is threatening to overwhelm me on a regular basis, and it's only through strength of will that I get out of bed and to this work place, fully aware that my hands will shake uncontrollably, my chest will feel tight, and the back of my neck is freezing cold. Every day, when I get home, I celebrate being strong enough to get through the hours I spend in work rehab. Because celebrating your own victories is the best coping mechanism of them all.

All that matters is yourself, so celebrate every victory, no matter how insignificant it might seem.