My Social Anxiety Disorder

Some trigger warnings apply - Mental Illness, Phobias (specifically arachnophobia and social phobia)

You have probably been in social situations where you don't feel welcome, where you have nothing in common with the people present, or you have managed to over/under dress for the situation. Now imagine feeling like this in every social situation you ever encounter. It doesn't matter if it's a huge group, say 30-100 people, or a small group of maybe 3-4 people. The nervousness and the fidgeting starts immediately, sometimes even weeks in advance.

WebMD describes Social Anxiety Disorder (or social phobia) as "an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations". I would describe it as Fidgety Hell with a side order of I Can't Breathe.

Social anxiety isn't something to take lightly either. I can see on people's faces and hear it in their voices how much disbelief they have in me and my thoughts when I tell them I suffer from social phobia (let's not start the guessing game on how much is real and how much of it is my phobia talking. Just. No). I have been met with so many different replies to me telling people about my phobia, that I feel an urge to share.

But you are so good at adapting to social situations!
- Yeah, it's called survival. If I don't adapt, the fidgeting and the nerves will break me.

You are so good at managing groups. 
- Uhm... have you seen me try to keep order in a group? No? Thought so.

You are so good at telling stories, why don't you become a public speaker?
- I'd rather dance in slime surrounded by crane flies.

Social phobia isn't real. You're just shy/unsure.
- Uhm. No. Just. No. Go away.

It'll get better. You just need to be around people more often.
- The people telling me this obviously have no clue what it is like to be irrationally afraid of something. Shock therapy makes it worse!!! At least for me.

The last one is so common and pisses me off so bad that I have been known to growl at people suggesting it. You wouldn't take someone who is afraid of spiders and dump them in a tank full of tarantulas, so why in all hells would you believe that someone who is suffering from social anxiety would be "cured" by shoving them into groups of people?

My usual response to people I don't know depends on how many people there are, if there are any ways through which I can escape, the purpose of the gathering, and if there is a specific dress code.

I can manage 2-5 people with relative ease, a slight tingling at the back of my neck is usually the only feeling I get. This feeling vanishes as soon as I feel comfortable.

5-10 people starts to get uncomfortable and I start fidgeting, pulling at my shirt and avoiding eye contact. I can usually feel my skin start to crawl and my heart beat picking up.

10-30 people is when I get really nervous. It really doesn't matter if I like and trust the people around me. My brain really doesn't give a single bother that I might enjoy these people's company. At this point, my body feels threatened, I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate, my hands are shaking, and I feel sick. If I can't see a clear escape route, I will start to panic.

Social anxiety is NOTHING like being nervous before a presentation or a test. It is NOTHING like being fidgety before going on a date or to a party where you only know one or two people.

Social anxiety is a freezing inferno of insecurities, self-hate, second guesses, guilt, shame, and nerves, all jumbled up in a mind that feels close to bursting. It's a stinging sensation of tears in too-dry eyes and numb tongue in a mouth that feels like screaming. It's a fluttering of wings in your gut, except these butterflies are made of steel and have razor sharp edges. It's a fever chill on a too-hot-day and a hot flash in a freezer.

And the worst thing is, for all the things I want to tell people who dismiss me, I keep my mouth shut in order for them to not reject me.

I would like to end this on a happy note, but I can't think of anything right now.