TW: Mixing a meltdown

Trigger warnings apply for: Mental illness

I don't know how many of you follow me on a regular basis, but I'm sending out this warning anyway. The coming posts will not be happy. They might contain loads of triggering issues and subjects. Since I seem to have been gaining followers, I wanted to share my experiences with others, and right now, my life pretty much revolves around getting a handle on social phobia and stress induced depression.

If you or anyone you know need someone to talk to, The Trevor Project has a long list of emergency numbers you can call for free. Please, don't hide, and don't fight alone. There are people who want to help you.

OK, here we go.

When I get stressed out, I hear Kermit the Frog performing Benny Hill in my head. I have mentioned this before, I'm sure. The real problems start when Kermit does a face plant and won't get up. That's when my mind is going into overload and the meltdown starts.

Friday two weeks ago I had my first panic attack in five years. Going out for dinner with my mom, my sister, sister's girlfriend, and Boy, I thought I was safe. I thought I could handle it. I have been doing better, slowly but surely, over the last 3 months, and I thought I was going to be fine. Sitting there at the table, my body had a different take on it. I felt feverish and broke out in a cold sweat. I couldn't breathe and eventually I fled. Boy caught up with me outside the mall and as soon as his arms were around my shoulders, I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I have no idea how long we stood there. All I knew was the monsoon of emotions and impressions assaulting my mind, the sounds drilling into my ears and the scent of Boy's soap and the fabric softener we use.

My second panic attack was last Tuesday. I have no idea what triggered it that time. I suddenly just felt so scared, like a cornered animal. I wanted to lash out, to hurt someone, to scream and fight. I am so fortunate that my boss at the new work rehab place is so understanding and open minded. She showed Boy and me a room where I could calm down. Again, I don't know how long it took. All I remember is Boy's scent, then moving from one room to the other. Then we were letting a fly out and I had mascara streaks running down my face.

This past weekend, I was in Stockholm with my sister, sister's girlfriend and sister's friend. I had a wonderful time, and they didn't object even once when I pointed out that I needed space or wanted to do something. Again, I thought I was fine, but it seems that having two panic attacks, then spending three days in large crowds, away from home, away from the security of my own lair, has taken its toll. I jump at every sound. I am easily distracted and I can't seem to focus. I am restless and fidgety and Kermit is fighting to get up from the ground. I just want to go to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep.

I have my Coping Box and my little tricks. Letting go of the guilt is the hardest part, because how can I be of help if I can't even take care of myself? My hope is that this time, I won't fall as far and land as hard as I did last time, but right now, my mind is just a storm and I want my calm mountain lake back.