This post is about my interpretation of my own sexual attractions. This may or may not be suitable for children. Please consult your local area laws.
While reading this, please keep in mind that the legal age for sexual intercourse is 15 in Sweden. Therefore, sexual education starts as early as age 10, in order to give out information before the majority of students enter puberty.
Part 4. Heterosexual
For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me.
When the girls at my school giggled about boys and the guys bragged about who they were dating, I just didn't understand the chase or the "conquest" at all. I never made the connection between another human being and sexual desire. Sure, I was very interested in sex, but I never thought about people as "sexy".
For a large part of my formative years I also didn't believe that anyone would want to get that intimate with me. I just wasn't worthy of attention.
I met my first boyfriend when I was 16. He was also the first person I had sex with. The experience was rather... underwhelming. I just didn't understand the hype (I still don't, but I'm getting ahead of myself). Sure, some of the time, sex was nice, but that was it. Just nice. Add the fact that the guy was an abusive asshat, and I am glad I got out.
Number two was the same, minus the abuse. He just vanished one day.
Number three made me start enjoy the act of sexual intercourse, but I still didn't understand the lure of it.
Number four was Boy, and finally I understood.
I didn't get it right away. When I first met Boy, I was heartbroken from a romantic rejection (first girl I fell in love with) and I couldn't see past my own pain in any romantic way. Boy was very understanding and somehow managed to get me to talk to him. And he listened. I mean, really LISTENED. It took two months for us to start dating. It took another three-four months for me to start feeling sexual attraction towards him.
And suddenly I got it. I finally understood what people were talking about. But only with Boy.
At this time, I mixed up sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I thought they were the same thing. So I was extremely confused by everything. Why did I feel desire towards Boy, but only longing for my previous love interests?
I got the answer last year, when Jackson (another sibling in all but DNA) linked me to information about asexuality. Suddenly, everything made sense. Why I couldn't find a LGTBQ label that fit me (see, no A in that), why I felt longing but not desire for people, why I felt such strong desire towards Boy and no one else.
I need a strong emotional connection with a person in order to feel sexual attraction towards them. So far in life, I've felt that kind of attraction towards three people, and I married one of them. Boy is the only one I actually fantasize about, who I think is hot and sexy, who I really want to have sex with. The other two, I find sexually attractive, but I don't actually want to have sex with.
I call myself gray-ace, because demisexual is too broad for me. I don't feel sexual attraction towards everyone I have a strong emotional connection to.
I came out to my mom about three weeks ago. I told her that I didn't really care before. That it was such a natural part of who I am that I didn't have a need to "come out". She just said "Then why did you bother?"
I bothered, because I changed my mind and I thought you'd accept me for who I am. I bothered, because it was important to me. I bothered, because no one should be met with that reply when they share a vital part of themselves with others.
I am not straight. I have played the part of being heterosexual because it was easy. Now that I know why I feel the way I feel, I am not going to hide it. I am a panromantic gray-ace cisgender female. Please, stop assume that people are straight until proven otherwise. People are more complicated than that.
DFTBA
For more information on asexuality, please follow the links below
WikiPedia
Cracked
Urban Dictionary
WikiHow
AsexualityArchive
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