The roles I play - Part 2. Darkness

This post contains mentions of mental and physical abuse, self harm, mental illness, and eating disorder.


Part 2. Darkness

My life has not been easy.
For the longest time I couldn't even think about it like that, because I was told it could be so much worse. I had food every day, a roof over my head, and warmth, so I shouldn't complain about a little bullying. I was alive, right?

Thing is, mental problems rarely show on the outside, and being told that things could be worse usually don't make me feel better.

For almost all my life I was also convinced that because I had mental problems, I had been bullied and I dressed mostly in black, I should be jaded, angry, and hateful. I tried and tried and tried to follow this image of myself. In the end, it became so bad that I turned bitter and hollow. I couldn't feel anything beyond mild amusement and soul crushing emptiness. I purged my emotions and I drowned myself in morbid images, sad music, and cynical comments. Days could pass without me eating unless someone was watching me. I cut myself and I put myself through punishing regimes of self-hatred. I discovered that pain made me feel good, but I believed that it was solely a bad thing, and so I hated myself even more for it.

It took me years to realize that I am not a gloomy kind of person.

I dress in black, because I like it. I also dress in blues and purples, but people only seem to notice the black.

I can be sarcastic and cynical. People think it's because I hate others, but it's just because I like that kind of humor. No one questions the under-the-belt kind of humor of Scary Movie, American Pie, or Road Trip, so why do I get weird looks when I profess my love for House, MD?

I love heavy metal, jrock, and similar music, but I also love Adele, musicals, and Amy McDonald. Apparently you can't love both Iron Maiden and Lady Gaga.

I look like a goth. I look like I hate the world, that I'm a gloom-and-doom kind of person. Few people believe me when I say that "some of my favorite things" are kittens, unicorns, sunny days, and manicures.

I love life and I love being alive. I have played the suffering jaded punk for too long. It's time to be open about how I truly see the world.
I will dress in my dark colors. I will listen to Rammstein, Iron Maiden, D'espairsRay, and Metallica. I will draw morbid pictures and paint dark paintings.

And I will proudly shout "I LOVE LIFE!" even if people don't want to hear it.


DFTBA