This close to the Winter Holidays* I always get a sense of dread making a nest in my innards, and this year it's no different. I don't even really like the holidays. It used to be a time for me to spoil the people I like with gifts, but I have more and more started to resent that notion.
Why? For a few reasons.
1. I like to give people things I think they'll like. I will send these things out whenever during the year. The people who matter to me know this about me. I just feel like a fraud for stressing about getting things for a specific day, so this year, I don't care that my gifts won't be there "on time". Like Dr Seuss wrote "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
2. It pisses me off to no end that so many people think that giving someone something nice for Christmas/Easter/Valentines/holiday of your choice gets you a Get Out Of Jail Free Card for the rest of the year. News flash - It doesn't. Example - My parents have been married for 30 years. My dad still brings my mom flowers at random whenever he finds flowers he thinks she'll like, or gets her her favorite candy when he's shopping, without her having to ask. My mom can make his favorite food just because she feels like it. That is what love is about. Doing nice things for people because it's a nice thing to do. Not blowing a fuse because your partner didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day.
3. You can't buy love. The price tag on the gift does not and should not dictate how much you care for a person. Personally, just being remembered is more than enough. A "Hi" is worth more to me than diamonds or expensive gadgets.
4. The pressure of "Holiday Cheer" is seriously getting on my nerves. There is such pressure to kick back and take it easy on certain days that many people hit a wall and have mental breakdowns just because they're pressured to be happy ALL THE BLOODY TIME.
5. Not everyone is Christian. Stop assuming that. And stop getting pissed off when people wish you Merry Christmas. Just say it back and move on. I am a Shintoist, and I appreciate when someone wishes me Merry Christmas, because they're being kind. Get the stick out of your ass and stop being a cloaca.
This year, I am going to chill out and relax. I am going to send gifts to people I want to send gifts to. I am going to make some food and bake cookies, because I want to. I have my tree up and my stars in the windows and that's all I need in way of decoration. Boy and I will have friends over one of the days between Christmas and New Year's and it will be amazing.
Just have fun and be yourself.
*This is not including Hanukkah and Ramadan, since both have already past for 2013.
onsdag 18 december 2013
tisdag 17 december 2013
A Woman's Choice
Yesterday, years of waiting, longing and planning met its climax and I finally went through with the sterilization procedure.
For the last five years, people have been on my ass about "settling down and getting a family", not realizing that I already have the family I need and/or want. When I've told these people that I'm not having children, they would have one out of three reactions:
1. They would get angry, and accuse me of being inconsiderate of those who want children but can't have them.
2. They wouldn't believe me and tell me that I'd change my mind.
3. They would ignore me or dismiss me, possibly adding #2 as an afterthought.
When I mentioned that I wanted to get sterilized, all three reactions immediately turned into one, and people would get angry and accusative. That eventually merged into annoyed acceptance, but it still stung to know that so many people could send so little thought and respect in my general direction.
I am now 28 years old and I have finally followed through with the biggest decision I have ever made, and it feels amazing. It was completely my choice, it was completely for my sake, and I feel so happy about the whole thing, even though it's slightly tinged with a bit of meh.
You know stuff is about to happen when you get an official looking letter in your mail box, including a long list of things you need to do before even going to the hospital.
I had to remove my pretty pretty green sparkly nail polish, my earrings, my engagement ring and my necklace.
I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, in much the same way as Gremlins, but less furry.
I wasn't allowed to drink anything 2 hours before the procedure, excluding the half mouthful needed to swallow pain killers and my wenlafaxine.
I had to scrub hair and skin extremely clean.
I got to the hospital at 9.15 am. I met a nurse at 9.30 am and she did some tests, which all turned out fine (Hah, this overweight woman is still healthy. Take that, body shamers) and then I got down to Surgery.
If any of you have been lucky enough to never be in a hospital, let me just add that those gowns are NOT comfortable. This time, someone had used their brain cells and there were two gowns, first an unflattering white one and then a thicker blue one.
Also, apparently, telling a patient that they might have to stay the night is not necessary until they get there on the day of the surgery. I was so angry that I cried while waiting for my doctor. Then my doctor showed up and she was just amazing. I might have a small crush on her, she was that amazing.
She ensured me that I would not be staying unless something majorly bad happened during or after the procedure. Then everything turned into a whirlwind of IV needles, blood pressure machines, weird instruments and carts and sterile tables with extremely uncomfortable gynecology leg rests.
And there was pain the likes I have never felt before and water and plastic, and the nurse injected pain killers in my IV and the world was alright again.
At 1 pm, I was ready to go home. At 1.10 pm I was allowed to get up and walk around. At 1.15 PM I got sandwiches and coffee, a warm blanket, and comfortable arm chair, and a cooking show on TV. At 3.20 pm I was finally allowed to leave, so I got dressed and met up with Boy. Then there was dinner at my parents' because it was my mom's birthday. I was home again at 7.40 pm. It was a really long day.
I am so happy that everything went so smoothly, but it feels slightly weird since I've wanted this for so long. So now I'm sitting here, two tiny metal spirals in my fallopian tubes and in three months time, they should be completely closed (the tubes, not the spirals).
I have done something for myself and it turned out great. No more worries, and hopefully no more nagging.
For the last five years, people have been on my ass about "settling down and getting a family", not realizing that I already have the family I need and/or want. When I've told these people that I'm not having children, they would have one out of three reactions:
1. They would get angry, and accuse me of being inconsiderate of those who want children but can't have them.
2. They wouldn't believe me and tell me that I'd change my mind.
3. They would ignore me or dismiss me, possibly adding #2 as an afterthought.
When I mentioned that I wanted to get sterilized, all three reactions immediately turned into one, and people would get angry and accusative. That eventually merged into annoyed acceptance, but it still stung to know that so many people could send so little thought and respect in my general direction.
I am now 28 years old and I have finally followed through with the biggest decision I have ever made, and it feels amazing. It was completely my choice, it was completely for my sake, and I feel so happy about the whole thing, even though it's slightly tinged with a bit of meh.
You know stuff is about to happen when you get an official looking letter in your mail box, including a long list of things you need to do before even going to the hospital.
I had to remove my pretty pretty green sparkly nail polish, my earrings, my engagement ring and my necklace.
I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, in much the same way as Gremlins, but less furry.
I wasn't allowed to drink anything 2 hours before the procedure, excluding the half mouthful needed to swallow pain killers and my wenlafaxine.
I had to scrub hair and skin extremely clean.
I got to the hospital at 9.15 am. I met a nurse at 9.30 am and she did some tests, which all turned out fine (Hah, this overweight woman is still healthy. Take that, body shamers) and then I got down to Surgery.
If any of you have been lucky enough to never be in a hospital, let me just add that those gowns are NOT comfortable. This time, someone had used their brain cells and there were two gowns, first an unflattering white one and then a thicker blue one.
Also, apparently, telling a patient that they might have to stay the night is not necessary until they get there on the day of the surgery. I was so angry that I cried while waiting for my doctor. Then my doctor showed up and she was just amazing. I might have a small crush on her, she was that amazing.
She ensured me that I would not be staying unless something majorly bad happened during or after the procedure. Then everything turned into a whirlwind of IV needles, blood pressure machines, weird instruments and carts and sterile tables with extremely uncomfortable gynecology leg rests.
And there was pain the likes I have never felt before and water and plastic, and the nurse injected pain killers in my IV and the world was alright again.
At 1 pm, I was ready to go home. At 1.10 pm I was allowed to get up and walk around. At 1.15 PM I got sandwiches and coffee, a warm blanket, and comfortable arm chair, and a cooking show on TV. At 3.20 pm I was finally allowed to leave, so I got dressed and met up with Boy. Then there was dinner at my parents' because it was my mom's birthday. I was home again at 7.40 pm. It was a really long day.
I am so happy that everything went so smoothly, but it feels slightly weird since I've wanted this for so long. So now I'm sitting here, two tiny metal spirals in my fallopian tubes and in three months time, they should be completely closed (the tubes, not the spirals).
I have done something for myself and it turned out great. No more worries, and hopefully no more nagging.
lördag 14 december 2013
A series of weird happenings
I am somewhat waking up again. I have hot coffee and I'm about to launch Sims3. My feet still ache slightly and I have "The Phantom of the Opera" stuck in my head since last night.
And what an amazing night it was. It actually started around lunch, when Niclas told me he might have a ticket for me for the Christmas Metal Symphony concert later in the evening, if his contact follows through to the free tickets. I somewhat reluctantly agree to go, expecting to be alone, since Boy and Niclas would be doing computer things and Erik was working stage-building-things already.
I get bored around 5pm, knowing full well that the doors won't open until 7 pm, and walk down towards the venue, making a detour to pick up a cheeseburger to tide me over blood sugar wise. I meet Boy and Niclas at the lobby of the venue and suddenly, in a whirlwind of motion, I am backstage, eating with Niclas while Boy is trying to fix wi-fi for none other than Joey Belladonna (Anthrax). Niclas managed to fix the wi-fi problem by hotspotting his phone, so for about an hour, he was ISP for Joey Belladonna.
Suddenly, I have been gifted with a Security pass and got told to stand guard by the gate separating the crowd from the backstage area. And that's where I end up standing all night. Perfect view of the stage, in perfect range of the speakers. Just me, my gate, and hair-raising good performances by Joey Belladonna, Floor Jansen (Nightwish), Chuck Billy (Testament), Udo Dirkschneider (U.D.O, ex- Accept), and Michael Kiske (ex- Helloween).
Not even the cold rain on the way home could ruin the evening for me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Today should prove to be another great day, with The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug waiting at 5.45 pm.
And what an amazing night it was. It actually started around lunch, when Niclas told me he might have a ticket for me for the Christmas Metal Symphony concert later in the evening, if his contact follows through to the free tickets. I somewhat reluctantly agree to go, expecting to be alone, since Boy and Niclas would be doing computer things and Erik was working stage-building-things already.
I get bored around 5pm, knowing full well that the doors won't open until 7 pm, and walk down towards the venue, making a detour to pick up a cheeseburger to tide me over blood sugar wise. I meet Boy and Niclas at the lobby of the venue and suddenly, in a whirlwind of motion, I am backstage, eating with Niclas while Boy is trying to fix wi-fi for none other than Joey Belladonna (Anthrax). Niclas managed to fix the wi-fi problem by hotspotting his phone, so for about an hour, he was ISP for Joey Belladonna.
Suddenly, I have been gifted with a Security pass and got told to stand guard by the gate separating the crowd from the backstage area. And that's where I end up standing all night. Perfect view of the stage, in perfect range of the speakers. Just me, my gate, and hair-raising good performances by Joey Belladonna, Floor Jansen (Nightwish), Chuck Billy (Testament), Udo Dirkschneider (U.D.O, ex- Accept), and Michael Kiske (ex- Helloween).
Not even the cold rain on the way home could ruin the evening for me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Today should prove to be another great day, with The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug waiting at 5.45 pm.
torsdag 12 december 2013
Winter Chills
Maybe it's because I just don't understand fashion at all, but it seems a bit silly to dress to impress instead of, you know, not freeze to death. I'd rather look like the Michelin Man than a well dressed icicle.
As I was waiting for the bus this morning, I saw two people, High Schoolers by the looks of it, and they were shaking from cold. The female was wearing super thin leggings and what looked like a baby mammoth. She was pulling her head in to her shoulders like a tortoise, because apparently a scarf would just ruin her make-up. I swear, the thickest thing she was wear was that make-up. But that's her problem, really.
The male was wearing shoes I would have questioned the wisdom of in Summer. In Winter, they are just stupid. His jacket was obviously too thin and the baseball cap did nothing to shield from the wind.
I hope I'm not alone in finding it increasingly funny that people like this take time out of their day to sneer at my fashion sense, or lack thereof, when I dare stand next to them in a glittery green Santa hat, a warm black Winter coat, cotton scarf, and two year old warm boots. I might look like a Thrift Shop Queen, but I am warm and cozy in my layers of clothes.
Why is that, as the temperatures plummet, the length of skirts decrease and pants get thinner? Of course, people are allowed to wear whatever they want, and I have no right to judge them. I just question the fashion industry and its complete lack of anchoring in reality.
Winter = cold. Cold + lack of clothing = sickness.
So, you'll excuse this Thrift Shop Queen if I don't follow your silliness. I have a slope to roll down once the snow returns, and then I'll hide under my Slanket with a warm cup of coffee and Sims3.
As I was waiting for the bus this morning, I saw two people, High Schoolers by the looks of it, and they were shaking from cold. The female was wearing super thin leggings and what looked like a baby mammoth. She was pulling her head in to her shoulders like a tortoise, because apparently a scarf would just ruin her make-up. I swear, the thickest thing she was wear was that make-up. But that's her problem, really.
The male was wearing shoes I would have questioned the wisdom of in Summer. In Winter, they are just stupid. His jacket was obviously too thin and the baseball cap did nothing to shield from the wind.
I hope I'm not alone in finding it increasingly funny that people like this take time out of their day to sneer at my fashion sense, or lack thereof, when I dare stand next to them in a glittery green Santa hat, a warm black Winter coat, cotton scarf, and two year old warm boots. I might look like a Thrift Shop Queen, but I am warm and cozy in my layers of clothes.
Why is that, as the temperatures plummet, the length of skirts decrease and pants get thinner? Of course, people are allowed to wear whatever they want, and I have no right to judge them. I just question the fashion industry and its complete lack of anchoring in reality.
Winter = cold. Cold + lack of clothing = sickness.
So, you'll excuse this Thrift Shop Queen if I don't follow your silliness. I have a slope to roll down once the snow returns, and then I'll hide under my Slanket with a warm cup of coffee and Sims3.
måndag 9 december 2013
TW: We wish you extermination
This post was inspired by this picture, which I find to be one of the most brilliant greeting cards ever.
Anyhow, this post will most likely contain material that can be triggering to some people, most notably self-hate, body shaming, and mental illness.
I like holidays. For years, holidays were a good reason to spoil people I love, since they only have one birthday per year, and many people I know are very jaded and will ask about ulterior motives if I spoil them any other day. I like spoiling people I love, so the suspicions are annoying, but human, I guess.
Lately, though, holidays have become anxiety inducing stress fests where I see moths fleeing my wallet and I fret about putting food on my own table after making sure other people have food on theirs. Don't get me wrong, I like baking and cooking and such. It's the empty fridge, the freezer only filled with ice, and the echoing cupboards that make my insides scrunch into a ball of hate. It's bringing dishes to Christmas Eve lunch and seeing an overstuffed fridge making room for my dishes after the lunch, when I know my own fridge is nigh empty that annoys me.
It's begging for scraps from food I have prepared that seriously annoy me and makes me feel like a second grade life form.
This year it's worse than before. This year, I have an evil troll gnawing away at my chest and mind, repeating a mantra of "You suck. You'll get evicted. You don't deserve a home. You have nothing. No job, no money, no worth." and while I know, logically, that I won't get evicted, that I won't lose my home, emotionally, the little troll is so strong.
I don't know how I'll pay my bills at the end of the month. The lady at the welfare office is being a villain and the employment agency people are taking their sweet time. Boy has promised me that it'll sort itself out, and I trust him. I just need to have control over everything. I need to know things, and right now I don't.
The holidays is also a time when I meet many people I usually manage to avoid, and every year, the stupid comments about food and weight and "feeling fat" come up. I am learning to accept and love myself just the way I am, and I honestly think that all bodies are beautiful. And then there are the people who insist on commenting on my size. The guy who just has to refer to fat people as being gross. The lady who just has to say that it looks like I've lost weight and "that I'm so much prettier now", thinking it's a compliment and not just fat-shaming.
I am not looking forward to the Winter holidays this year.
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