TW: Stepping Back

Trigger warnings apply for mental health, social anxiety disorder, depression, self harm, and self hate.


Today it's been exactly one year since my sick leave started. At the time, my mind and body would rebel against the simple thing of moving the 15 feet from my bed to the sofa in the living room, and they would scream at me when I went to the kitchen to get coffee.
I was totally drained, both physically and emotionally, and I had a serious case of the tremors in my hands.

It took six weeks of concentrated self-care for me to even be able to set foot outside my apartment. By then I was able to go to the grocery store and to the doctor's office, but it was slow going.

I started taking anti depressants in mid May and my well being improved drastically. I was no longer living in a perpetual fog. I could see things around me in new clarity and I could finally not give a flying rat's wing about things that didn't immediately impact my life. I was far from doing well, but I finally knew that things would work out in my favor.

It took the better part of late May to mid August for me to work out tools and tricks I could use to make my life easier and less stressful. The most important one was to enforce a One Week Notice rule for all events that required me to travel anywhere or make plans. Other tools I developed are

 - Figure out and apply things that make me calm, such as soft blankets, plush toys, music, and baking.

- Starting a blog. Talking about what is happening in my life, be it verbally or in text, is surprisingly relaxing. Try talking to a pet or a plush toy if you don't feeling like sharing things out loud to other humans.

- Puzzle games keep my mind alert. Realizing that I am intelligent and applying said intelligence in a pressure free way helps me stay calm.

- Do NOT look at things you can't do anything about. For almost eight months, I refused to watch the news, read newspapers, watch news related youtube clips, or engage in anything depressing I could not do anything about.

After figuring out some coping tools, I started on a quest to find out who I really am. Not who others think I am, or who I should be. I want to find who I really am, and so far I have found that I am a highly intelligent, spontaneous, goofy, and positive woman who loves reading everything from children's books to university level school literature. I love anime, supernatural themed TV shows, and plush toys. I am gray-asexual. I am very good at math and I can make physicists start to question their profession (mainly because I ask complicated questions based on no physics education whatsoever). My way of thinking is somewhat rare and can at times make me seem slow or to over-simplify things. I am very bad at explaining my way of thinking. I am an introverted person who likes to socialize, in short bursts, and I am also extremely curious.

I have also come to realize that my emotional maturity got halted some time mid-puberty, which has led to much heart ache on my part. It has since re-started and now I no longer suffer from extreme moods. This feeling of tranquility is nothing short of awe inspiring.

I found my spirituality in Shintoism and I am in no way ashamed of loving the Japanese culture. In the same way, I am not ashamed of loving Shakespeare, Eddings, Anne Rice, or Sherrilyn Kenyon.

In this past year I have risen from a self-loathing, self-harming shivering wreck drowning in exhaustion, into a woman who can stand on her own, but prefer the support of my friends. Despite my social phobia and my depression I -know- that I am a vital part in my own and other people's lives. My phobias and depression is no longer something that is happening to me. They're part of my life, part of who I am, and I am finally learning to incorporate these things in my life.

I am no longer Someone's Daughter, Someone's Sister, or Someone's Girlfriend.
I am Me.

I don't look like a supermodel, I dress almost exclusively in dark colors, and from time to time, I will appear childish. I have my quirks and ticks and issues.

I am Me and I am finally at peace with who I am.