TW: Sexual relationships

TRIGGER WARNINGS APPLY: sexual abuse, rape, non-con, abuse

First of all, I want to make it extremely FUCKING clear that I do NOT condone sexual assault, rape, or force/violence of any kind in a sexual relationship, or any kind of relationship. This post is pure speculation and is in no way encouraging any type of force or coercion when it comes to sex. I will persecute anyone encouraging rape/abuse/assault.

SAFE 

SANE

CONSENSUAL

Those three words ALWAYS apply to any relationship, EVER.

Secondly, if you have been subjected to sexual assault, rape, or any other kind of abuse, there is help to be had. You are not alone. You might not feel like it, but you are precious and beautiful, no matter what has been done to you. You are needed in the world.

Thirdly, I have been sexually assaulted. I have been raped. I have been physically and mentally abused. I will not accept any comments to the contrary. I have experiences of abuse and rape, and I still want to have this post out there, because it is important.


On to the actual post.

This post was born from watching my favorite anime, Junjou Romantica. The first episode of that anime starts off with a scene that I felt really queasy about the first few times I watched the show. It had me thinking about my own experiences with an abusive boyfriend, who would consistently coerce me into having sex and who could turn violent at the drop of a hat.
It wasn't until a later episode of Junjou Romantica that my bad feeling vanished. It also gave birth to a kaleidoscope of questions.

Misaki and Akihiko are in a relationship. Misaki is 19 and Akihiko is 28. Misaki is generally unsure about himself and his feelings towards Akihiko, and Akihiko is angsting over being forceful towards Misaki. The scene that made the turn around for me was the two of them sitting in a Ferris Wheel cart and Akihiko is almost crying because of guilt. Misaki can't understand why Akihiko is feeling guilty, so the older guy explains that he feels like he's assaulted Misaki, to which Misaki says that he never saw it like that.

This exchange really had me thinking.

When I was at university, studying to become a teacher, we would have seminars about bullying and harassment. In one of them, we talked about how if someone feels like they've been harassed, then they have been. The assaulted person's experience is the important one and the correct one.

Isn't this true for sexual assault as well? If you don't feel like you have been abused, if nothing has been broken within you, if you haven't experienced any sort of damage, be it physical or mental, is it still assault? If you don't feel like something's wrong or scary, is it still assault? As someone who has been subjected to sexual assault, I would say no.
If the assaulted don't feel like they have been assaulted, yet the assailant feels guilty about what they've done, I really can't see how it can be assault. Of course, if you were unconscious, drunk, or drugged it is always assault/rape. Safe - Sane - Consensual demands clear headed consent from all parties. Alcohol, drugs, and/or being unconscious has no place in this equation.

After going through what I did with my ex-boyfriend, I still enjoy it when Boy gets forceful, because I KNOW that he will stop if I tell him to. I never feel threatened or abused with Boy.
I find it frankly insulting when people try to tell me that my experiences are wrong, like, as a rape victim, I should feel threatened when someone gets forceful, even though I enjoy it with Boy. I LIKE rough sex - on my terms. Being rough does not mean being violent, however.

I have talked about how I see the difference between pain and hurt before, but here it is again.
To me, pain is a sensation, like warmth or cold. It's something that adds to your experience.
Hurt is negative. Hurt destroys part of you. Assault is hurtful. Rape is hurtful. Abuse is hurtful.

I am in a healthy relationship with a man I love and respect. Fear mongering very nearly broke this peace for me a few years ago, when people couldn't accept that I wasn't afraid anymore.

Remember, every person is unique and sees the world a bit different that you do. If someone is happy, truly happy, the way they are, it is not up to you to decide what is right or wrong. We are all different. We all have different experiences. Discussion is encouraged. Trying to push your beliefs on someone is not.

Celebrate diversity and stay curious.