TW: We wish you extermination

This post was inspired by this picture, which I find to be one of the most brilliant greeting cards ever.

Anyhow, this post will most likely contain material that can be triggering to some people, most notably self-hate, body shaming, and mental illness.


I like holidays. For years, holidays were a good reason to spoil people I love, since they only have one birthday per year, and many people I know are very jaded and will ask about ulterior motives if I spoil them any other day. I like spoiling people I love, so the suspicions are annoying, but human, I guess.

Lately, though, holidays have become anxiety inducing stress fests where I see moths fleeing my wallet and I fret about putting food on my own table after making sure other people have food on theirs. Don't get me wrong, I like baking and cooking and such. It's the empty fridge, the freezer only filled with ice, and the echoing cupboards that make my insides scrunch into a ball of hate. It's bringing dishes to Christmas Eve lunch and seeing an overstuffed fridge making room for my dishes after the lunch, when I know my own fridge is nigh empty that annoys me.

It's begging for scraps from food I have prepared that seriously annoy me and makes me feel like a second grade life form.

This year it's worse than before. This year, I have an evil troll gnawing away at my chest and mind, repeating a mantra of "You suck. You'll get evicted. You don't deserve a home. You have nothing. No job, no money, no worth." and while I know, logically, that I won't get evicted, that I won't lose my home, emotionally, the little troll is so strong.

I don't know how I'll pay my bills at the end of the month. The lady at the welfare office is being a villain and the employment agency people are taking their sweet time. Boy has promised me that it'll sort itself out, and I trust him. I just need to have control over everything. I need to know things, and right now I don't.

The holidays is also a time when I meet many people I usually manage to avoid, and every year, the stupid comments about food and weight and "feeling fat" come up. I am learning to accept and love myself just the way I am, and I honestly think that all bodies are beautiful. And then there are the people who insist on commenting on my size. The guy who just has to refer to fat people as being gross. The lady who just has to say that it looks like I've lost weight and "that I'm so much prettier now", thinking it's a compliment and not just fat-shaming.

I am not looking forward to the Winter holidays this year.