TW: Return of the Kermit

I think I try too hard to please. No, I know I try too hard. Part of my problem is fighting extreme fear of abandonment and I will cling to anyone and everything that accepts me, no matter how bad they are for me. There are people in my life who aren't good for me in any way, but I can't cut them out for fear of judgement and being ostracized. I never want to feel like pariah again.

I really need to learn to cope with this fear of being alone. I know that I have people in my life who are good for me. People who care about me, no matter what. People who would never judge me. Who would stop me from doing stupid shit, yet be my partners in crime if asked. Logically, I know that I have to pull some really horrible stuff in order for these people to abandon me, and yet I can't help being terrified of them leaving, of them shutting me out.

Humans are pack animals. Very few of us thrive in total isolation. I am an introverted person with a social phobia and I still need to be around humans in order to feel content. Even people who piss me off are better than none at all.

I am a very positive person at my core. Sure, I can be cynical and sarcastic. I frequently question humans and I criticize most human behavior, but through all of that I still have faith in humans. In life itself. To me, life and the world are beautiful and magical and wonderful. No amount of pain can take that away from me. I try so hard to not make light when I know people find it annoying, but I slip at times. I want so desperately for people to see the wonders I see, to feel the awe I feel.

And at the same time, I am so very afraid that I am annoying and that they will throw me out as so much garbage.

I think that a big part of the Trying Too Hard thing is the downplaying of my own self in order to make myself more appealing. I have recently discovered that this makes me seem distant and aloof, so now I try to say what I think instead of pretending that I don't care. Now I let myself be happy when I feel happy, admire beauty when I see it, and be in awe of the world, even though many people probably think I should find the world to be a crappy place and a pain to live in.

This conflict of interests - trying to please and be what's expected, and being who I am - has caused and is causing me a lot of stress lately. I don't want to be a bother, even to the people who are payed to "fix" me, so I downplay how I feel and I try too hard.

Last week, I fainted and I have tried to play it off as low blood pressure. While the blood pressure is probably true, the cause for it was and is stress. I should see a doctor, but again, I don't want to be a bother, and now it feels like it''s been too long since it happened to be relevant.

Why is it that on the outside I look bright and calm and awake, but on the inside I feel drained and so very very tired?