Identity

This post will be long. You have been warned.

Someone's identity can be said to be a collaboration between memories, experiences, and decisions. There are several components to create an identity and most of them are taught to us as we grow up. Other parts are purely genetic, making the Nature vs Nurture both valid and invalid at the same time. Identity is created by both our upbringing and genetics.

I have been told that I was wild and fearless as a child, and that I grew up to be a good and kind girl; as if a woman can't be good and fearless, wild and kind.
I was the girl with the beautiful eyes. The independent girl, who sailed through school subjects and who could adapt to any social situation. I was the quiet one, the generous one, the girl you could depend on. People praised these traits, never once thinking that maybe they were nothing but ways to cope with abandonment issues and broken self-esteem.

From first grade well into fifth grade, I was subjected to verbal, and sometimes physical, bullying. I have taken heavy psychological damage from this. Even after the harassment stopped, people avoided me. Sixth grade was almost as lonely as the previous years. The thing that made my mind break this past spring was not the prolonged harassment, though. It was the acceptance.
After years of being shunned and avoided, I transferred to another school when I started junior high school, and suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend. I couldn't understand why. Not knowing why people liked me paired with a deep rooted fear of being abandoned again, I worked really hard to become irreplaceable. For 14 years, I worked myself to the bone in order for people to not cast me out. I wanted to be accepted; not only for my accomplishments, but for who I am. In the beginning of March 2013, my mind couldn't handle the stress anymore and I collapsed.

After I was able to think further than wakeupcoffeebathroomcouch, which took about a week and a half, I decided to stop living in the shadow of people's idea of me and to start showing people the real me.

The first thing I addressed was my sexuality, since that part is by far the easiest for me. I have never been concerned about my own sexuality. I have always known what I find attractive, I just didn't have a name for it until last year. People always assume that I am straight, though, because I am in a relationship with a man.

After I came to the conclusion about what and who I like, I moved on to other issues I felt I had to tackle. My role in my family was and is one of those issues.

I am the older of two sisters and I have carried a burden of perceived responsibilities all my life. I have been given heirlooms "to give to my oldest child", and relatives have repeatedly praised the idea of getting married. Relatives and people I meet also keep asking about work and my education.

Thing is, though, I have never wanted children or marriage or a higher education.

I started planning a wedding years ago. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that it was expected of me.
I started at a university, not because I wanted a higher education, but because I felt that it was something other people wanted for me.

My biggest peeve, however, is not thousands of dollars in student loan debts or starry eyed relatives reminiscing about my parents' wedding. It's the matter of children. Or, more accurately, people's complete dismissal of my ability to make informed decisions in the matter of procreation. Coming to terms with this issue took time and my blood burns when I think about my wishes being ignored and dismissed. I talk about this issue a lot, because it pisses me off so much.

I have never wanted children, but every time I tell people this, they dismiss it. At first, I shrugged it off, but after a while, I started to become more and more frustrated and irritated. Every time someone says "You're young, you'll change your mind" or "It's different when they're your own" I feel a fragment of my identity fracture as that piece is being ignored.
The same happens when people try to tell me who I should be attracted to, how I should see the world or think about it, or whether or not I should ink my skin.

 I am a woman living with a man who I love more than anything and anyone in the world. This does not make me heterosexual. I am pansexual (a person who can feel attraction to another person regardless of gender expression) and no one but me can tell me who or what I find attractive.

I am very good at playing the roles I have been assigned, but lately I have started to rebel against some of them.

I am the Sister, the Daughter, and the Confidant.
I am a Geek, a Nerd, a History Buff.
I am a Blogger, a Writer, and a Gamer.
I am a Female Identifying Pansexual.
I am a Feminist.
I am the Girlfriend, the Care Giver, and a Goof.

I will never be the Mother or the Wife.
I will never be Straight.

I am ME.

I am random, I am weird, and an incurable optimist. I trust people, because I would rather be heart broken than jaded. I will never betray a confidence and I will not hide who I am to fit into someone's comfort zone.

Even if you don't agree with my choices, don't you dare tell me that I don't know what I want or that I will change my mind. That my choices are part of a phase or a delusion.

My identity is a collaboration between my memories, my choices, and my experiences.

Our identity is who we are. Looks and heritage are a small part of it, and the mind is the rest. If you can smile at differences and laugh with me, I will gladly call you "friend".