This post contains subjects that might be triggering for some people. Trigger warnings apply for Social Anxiety Disorder, depression, self harm, and eating disorder.
Sometimes I can't help but to feel extremely and desperately alone. Logically, I know that I have people around me who cares. People who would listen and who would help. The hard part is telling them that I need them, and so I end up not saying anything at all.
I have been told that loneliness is worst when you have no one to talk to, but to me, loneliness is worst when you have people to talk to, but you don't feel like being a burden. Because being a burden is worse than being lonely.
If I were to explain my S.A.D in an easy way, I would say it's like sleep paralysis. My mind is working at full throttle, but my body wants nothing to do with it. Exercising helps, but the anxiety is still there.
My mind is firing off thoughts like GLaDOS on a caffeine binge and my body is exhausted from the lack of rest.
Imagine staying up for two full days, then being conned into babysitting a toddler who has just learned "No" and "Why?". You can't escape said kid because you are duct taped to a heavy armchair. To prevent having to answer the questions the child is spouting you eat everything within reach. Add some guilt about fatness, courtesy social indoctrination, and the stage is set.
All the pent up guilt and the desire to accomodate everyone can lead to some serious damage. I took to self harm. In a sense, I still do. I have scars from finger nails, razorblades, scissors, and knives all over my body. I still bite my nails until my fingers bleed.
But the thing that gets to me the most is this - How can I ever hope to belong anywhere when meeting strangers makes me want to run?
DFTBA
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