Almost A Grown-Up

Last Friday another one of the tweeds working at the Employment Agency came by the place where I'm doing the whole workplace rehabilitation thing, and once again, he was droning on and on about information he had just copied off of the home page. He even got annoyed and pulled a guilt card on the group when someone (legasp) dared to question what he was doing there. Guilt cards are ridiculous in children. For a man pushing 60, it's beyond laughable.

What struck me, though, was the fact that I really didn't care. Sure, I was building up a nice and fuzzy little panic attack, ready to launch at a seconds notice, all because I felt very alone and extremely trapped, but the man himself didn't do anything for or against my mood at the time. I just didn't care. Had this been about a year ago, I would have been so angry and frustrated, lashing out against the unfair treatment, the un-payed labor, and the fact that people who get welfare through the employment agency are prohibited from leaving the country, even on holiday.

Later that day, I was going over this mysterious thing in my head, and it came to me that maybe this is how post-puberty emotions are supposed to work. I am sure that my emotional development came to a halt when I was around 13-14 years old and that's why my mood has been so much like a very messed up see-saw. It has taken me around six months and two different psycho pharmacological treatments to get to this point, but it feels like my emotions are finally at a point you might find in a 24-25 year old. Which means that I still have a few years of catching up to do, but it's a lot better than the warped roller coaster that was my emotions only a few months ago.

The flip side is that I feel very alone at the work place. Everyone there, with very few exceptions, seem to think that it's society's fault that they are unemployed. They get angry and frustrated at the drop of a hat, and all they do all day is complain. Having seen what I have seen when it comes to human suffering and poverty, I am extremely glad that I am living in a country that has a working welfare system. I am so very glad that I don't have to fear being evicted. I don't have to fear starvation or freezing or not being able to get my medication.

I am unemployed, but I know it's not society's fault. Right now, it's mainly my illness' fault. No one wants to hire a sick person. The positive thing is that I've entered a program for disabled youth at the employment agency, so my chances of getting a job multiplied by a lot in just one go.

I guess what I am trying to convey is that, while I am far from well, my emotions are finally in a state of balance and harmony, which on one hand feels amazing and calm, on the other hand makes me, again, feel like the odd one out.