Trigger Warnings apply for mental illness and self-doubt.
There comes a point when I can't pretend anymore. When all guises fall away and leave me bare and exposed. When my nerves scream in agony at even the gentlest touch and my mind feels like it's about to explode.
Last Tuesday, that point came to visit.
Despite all my raging and groaning and biting at the world, I still felt like it was all falling apart. Now, almost a week later, mind mind is still not on right.
The good thing is that I got new medication, which will hopefully do what the old couldn't. Bad thing is that I get so damn frustrated at set-backs.
Don't get me wrong, I knew it wouldn't be an easy ride back to Functioning Person, but I set so high standards for myself that each step back feels like a major failure.
Logically, I know that I have come miles from where I started out. Just being able to admit when I need to step back and care for myself is a huge victory. And still, the guilt is gnawing at my insides, like so many caterpillars. The guilt born from not being Perfect, not being an Example, a Role Model. The guilt born from not being the Happy, Easy-Going, Daughter/Girlfriend/Friend Person.
Logically, I know I can't be perfect. Logically, I know being me is enough.
The guilt spits on logic. The Conditioning stomps on logic, makes a stamp of it, and mails it to Antarctica.
In all of this, my biggest fears are being judged and giving up. It doesn't really make sense, but fears rarely do.
Being weighed, measured, and found wanting. Being sneered at, glared at, and judged to be lazy, stupid, disgusting.
The fear of giving in to the guilt and the fear and the pain.
How do you move forward when you feel like the world wants you to fail?
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