Self Care

As I sit here, snuggled in warmly under a slanket and a blanket, watching the soggy snow falling outside, I can't help but feel guilty about taking the time to take care of myself.

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance (no, firefox spell check, it's not "transgendered". It's "transgender"). I wanted to write something to put a light on it, but I couldn't think of a single thing that would make it justice.
I have friends who are trans*. No, scratch that. I have FAMILY members who are trans* and my heart and mind screams out in pain just thinking about something happening to them.

And suddenly, I got hit by a wave of resolve. So many people fight to have the right to be themselves. Even though I am a cis female, I can take up the banner and be who I truly am. I am born into privilege just by being cis and in order for me to be an ally, I need to first be strong in myself and my being.

I am living with a mental illness. An illness that will, at times, make me incapable of doing things adults are expected to do, such as laundry, dishes, making my bed, going to work, do anything except looking at a wall blankly etc. In order for me to function properly (read: at all) I need time for myself. Time to do absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, I have been conditioned that self-care is a selfish indulgence. That, unless it benefits someone else as well, it's not to be done. That feeling is causing me stress. Severe stress. So as I am currently chilling out under my warm covers, watching the snow falling outside my apartment, I am also actively using tools I have that help me relax.

Logically, I know that, in order for me to be productive, I need to be strong in my own self first, but years of conditioning have left me with a heavy sense of guilt when it comes to putting myself first. Part of it is how I was raised. For example, I have a hard time eating anything in front of someone unless they're also eating. Doesn't matter if they turned down an offer of whatever it is, I feel selfish for enjoying what I have when they don't.
Part of it is my extreme fear of being abandoned. Logically, I know that I have to be a right jerk for my friends to abandon me, but phobias don't listen to reason.

Today, I will care for myself in any way I can think of. Today, I will play Sims3 until it's time for my doctor's appointment, and when I get home, I'm taking a long luxurious foamy bath, complete with my vanilla crystal foam bath. Today will be all about me, so I can be helpful to someone else tomorrow.