TW: Return of the Kermit

I think I try too hard to please. No, I know I try too hard. Part of my problem is fighting extreme fear of abandonment and I will cling to anyone and everything that accepts me, no matter how bad they are for me. There are people in my life who aren't good for me in any way, but I can't cut them out for fear of judgement and being ostracized. I never want to feel like pariah again.

I really need to learn to cope with this fear of being alone. I know that I have people in my life who are good for me. People who care about me, no matter what. People who would never judge me. Who would stop me from doing stupid shit, yet be my partners in crime if asked. Logically, I know that I have to pull some really horrible stuff in order for these people to abandon me, and yet I can't help being terrified of them leaving, of them shutting me out.

Humans are pack animals. Very few of us thrive in total isolation. I am an introverted person with a social phobia and I still need to be around humans in order to feel content. Even people who piss me off are better than none at all.

I am a very positive person at my core. Sure, I can be cynical and sarcastic. I frequently question humans and I criticize most human behavior, but through all of that I still have faith in humans. In life itself. To me, life and the world are beautiful and magical and wonderful. No amount of pain can take that away from me. I try so hard to not make light when I know people find it annoying, but I slip at times. I want so desperately for people to see the wonders I see, to feel the awe I feel.

And at the same time, I am so very afraid that I am annoying and that they will throw me out as so much garbage.

I think that a big part of the Trying Too Hard thing is the downplaying of my own self in order to make myself more appealing. I have recently discovered that this makes me seem distant and aloof, so now I try to say what I think instead of pretending that I don't care. Now I let myself be happy when I feel happy, admire beauty when I see it, and be in awe of the world, even though many people probably think I should find the world to be a crappy place and a pain to live in.

This conflict of interests - trying to please and be what's expected, and being who I am - has caused and is causing me a lot of stress lately. I don't want to be a bother, even to the people who are payed to "fix" me, so I downplay how I feel and I try too hard.

Last week, I fainted and I have tried to play it off as low blood pressure. While the blood pressure is probably true, the cause for it was and is stress. I should see a doctor, but again, I don't want to be a bother, and now it feels like it''s been too long since it happened to be relevant.

Why is it that on the outside I look bright and calm and awake, but on the inside I feel drained and so very very tired?

Warning: Fluffy toothache ahead

This post was inspired by this song by Tim Minchin.

Firstly, I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in interest at first conversation. I don't believe in love at first sight. Some people tell me stories of meeting someone and knowing you'll live together for the rest of your life. I am impressed by these people and their knowledge and confidence. I don't have that confidence.

October 9 of this year Boy and I celebrated 7.5 years of living together/dating. Yes, we kind of moved in together as soon as we decided to start dating, after knowing each other for two months, and it has worked so far. Still, I don't claim to know what will happen in 20 years, 10 years, or even tomorrow. I know that I can't picture life without Boy in it. I don't want to experience life without Boy in it. I won't stop living without him, but I will be destroyed without him.

We piss each other off. We argue and we have amazing make-up sex. We snap at each and we cuddle and we bitch at each other about who does the laundry and the dishes and the vacuuming. Life is far from perfect, but you know what? I don't want any other kind of life.

A couple of years ago, I didn't think we would celebrate our fifth anniversary. My mind was a shambles, my insides were as dead as I could imagine, and every breath he took pissed me right off.
Then he went off to study Network Engineering and was home for only a week each month. I felt like a part of me had been amputated and the phantom pain was driving me loopy. I have never missed anything as much as I missed him. Sure, we he got home again, it was a hard transition. For a year, I had only taken care of myself. I had done whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and now there were two of us.

In March of this year I hit The Wall. I don't think I could have made it without extended hospitalization if he hadn't been there for me. It's now, when my mind is healing and my nerves are no longer exposed that I can finally appreciate what he means to me. I feel like I'm back at those first lovey-dovey months again and it's amazing.

OK, I've caused enough toothache and cringing for now. You can forget ever reading this, if you want.

Problematic Living

I was playing Sims 3 the last few days and while I love that game to pieces, especially with all the achievements one can reach, I've run across a few things I find to be problematic. Some trigger warnings might apply.

1.1 Broken Careers.

This is really just a performance issue, and isn't even on my list of problematic things other than a warning to other players out there. 

Don't try to become Emperor/Empress of Evil or Master Thief in Midnight Hollow. The whole Criminal Career is broken in that town, which saddens me greatly, since it's my favorite career in the game.

1.2 Impossible Opportunities

Another performance issue really. Some Teen opportunities are impossible to fill if the teens have jobs, because there's a conflict. Again, this only really occurs in Midnight Hollow.

Now on to the SERIOUSLY PROBLEMATIC BIT.

2. Reputation

In Sims 3, your sim gains reputation based on what they do while interacting with other sims, just as you would in real life. Unfortunately, it seems that the Reputation Calculator was built in the 1940's, because some of the things your sim gets a bad reputation for are just extremely outdated.

For example, one of my sims had sex and got pregnant without being married to the guy and guess what? Once the twins were born, she got a reputation for being Inappropriate, all because she gave birth out of wedlock. Really, EA? Really?  And to top it off, she had the audacity to find herself a boyfriend after her fiancée died, and got an Indecent reputation for it.

I'm not one to be picky about in game stuff, but really? People stopped being shocked about unmarried parents about 30 years ago. Time to wake up and follow reality.

3. Parental Leave

I am now on the third generation in my sim family and I noticed something odd. Let me give you some background to help this make sense.

I created the sim Phoenix Isevi. She married Hyun-Moon and they got four kids (two sets of twins - Aimee, Roneve, Morax, and Agares). Now, the only one who got parental leave was Phoenix. And she had no choice in the matter. I could not send her to work as Ruler of the Free World no matter how I tried. Not even when the older twins became teens and they had a butler could I send her to work. Hyun-Moon on the other hand refused to take Paid Time Off.

Again, wake up and smell the 21st century. Phoenix was clearly the one be paid the most of the parents. Let her work.

4. Skinny Dipping

Here is when the difference in values really shine through. You can't go skinny dipping if there are Babies, Toddlers, Children, or Teens on the lot, which is fine. You can, however, go skinny dipping with the previous age groups present IF you have the Insane personality trait. And IF you are a guy. Any female Insane sim I've tried to skinny dip on a lot with youngsters on plain refuses.

Now, I like to kick double standards when I see them, but the game algorithm in Sims 3 makes it impossible without hacking or modding, and I don't like to do that. testingCheatsEnabled is really as far as I will take cheating in Sims3. 

Please, EA Games and Maxis. Patch away the stupid outdated norms. I want to get the Faithful moodlet for more than just sticking with one partner for my sim from high school to their dying of old age. Like, sticking with your sim children as their father became a ghost in front of their eyes. Or calling your family every day. Or... I don't know.

TW: Ego sum qui sum*

I am left here, resting in the dark.
Listening to you breathing, feeling your hand in mine
There's a warmth settling in my chest
I am smiling

The sheets are cool against my skin
A skin I used to hate and want to destroy
A body I hated with the fire of suns
A life I wanted to escape by any means
And now I am smiling

Because as I lie here in the dark
I have everything I want
A roof, a bed, a seriously unhinged partner
Friends and food and warmth

I am no longer alone

Because I don't have to be perfect
I am beautiful the way I am
I don't have to prove my worth to anyone

I am me.

I am not perfect.
Flaws and cracks and scars
Wrinkles when I smile
And bumps and lumps

As I rest here in the dark
I am complete and content

I am me and that's enough



* Inspired by this song by Tim Minchin.

Size-ism - The Boogey Man of Civility

I came across this wonderful article earlier this week, and felt that I wanted to write my own take on it (This is usually how I work. I read, I get an idea, I write). Also, anyone who's seen the later seasons of Supernatural should get a kick out of someone being called a Dick.

First off, judging anyone by the size of their body is not only extremely shallow, it's also hurtful, limiting, and straight up stupid.

Secondly, I know that many skinny people struggle with gaining weight, and many women, regardless of size, have people in their immediate surroundings who like to come with what they call "friendly advice". Sadly, I cannot relate to your struggles, so you will have to excuse me if I don't include you right now.

This post is about some Do's and Don't's I have experienced in my soon 28 years of living. Please remember that these are my experiences and thoughts, and it will in no way be true for everyone.

Here we go:

Do Not:

- Think you have a say in my life, in what I eat or don't eat, or my exercise schedule.

 - Believe I need health advice. I am perfectly healthy, physically, so no need for hurtful remarks about diabetes, ulcers, cholesterol etc.

 - Comment on my weight. I don't need you "expert critique".

 - Call yourself fat unless you are. For a skinny person to call themselves fat, especially around fat people, is extremely rude and hurtful. It makes us fatties feel anxious and ugly and disgusting. I don't care if you feel sweaty and bloated. Unless you have a BMI over 27, you're not fat. At least not to me.

- Equal fat with disgusting. Really, who are you to judge another being? Go and play with a man 'o war.

- Give me "advice" on what to eat and not to eat. Food should be enjoyable, and if that means cake 5 days per week, that is what it means.

- Tell me I need to go on a diet. My body is none of your business.

- (and this one pisses me off the most) Question me when I say I am happy the way I am. How DARE you belittle me? How DARE you think you have the right to police my body?

Do:

- Help me find clothes for my size. And no, I will not wear a mumu, unless it comes with a really cute belt and nice shoes.

- Comment on my hair/nails/new clothes, if you notice any changes.

- Give me recipes of yummy food, no matter if the food's "healthy" or "unhealthy". I love cooking and baking and I love trying new things.

- Stop me if I ever make hurtful comments about my own and/or anyone else's body. It's so very easy to fall into a destructive pattern if others are making comments, and while I try to avoid it, I fail a lot.

Every body is beautiful. All sizes are beautiful. Do not let anyone make you feel less than you are. Life is a miracle and the human body is a beautifully complicated machine. Wrinkles, rolls, curls and wiggles are all part of the wonderful diversity of life. Celebrate what makes you unique. Your body is wonderful and beautiful. Never let anyone feel less that brilliant.

Being me

Absolute peace
The feeling I get when I look at my future, at my friends.
At my family, the people I have chosen to include in my life.

The darkness taught me to feel fear.
The loneliness taught me to love unconditionally.
The harsh words taught me to never take anything for granted.

Because everything changes, ever turning, evolving, becoming new

Being here and now
I am at peace.
I can see my dreams unfolding, an endless path stretching out in front of me.
As long as I don't fight it, I'll move forward
At my own pace.

I needed the break. I needed to slam into the proverbial wall
Just to see what I was doing to myself
The way I was hindering my own developement

The longing is gone.
The hunger and fear and frustration burned away
All I feel is peace and gratitude and happiness

I can be myself in the eyes of my friends
I have nothing to prove.
My dreams are mine
My body is mine
And I make my own future.

Curse of the Cineplex

There's this one movie theater in West Las Vegas with which I have a pretty odd relationship, if two visits can be counted as a relationship.

First time I went there, me and Jackson went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl". I remember a dark movie theater and weirdly sloped settings. The movie theaters here in Trollhättan used to have this really odd seating arrangements, in which you would stare mostly into the person in front of you's head and just occasionally see the screen. The seats in the theater in Las Vegas were set in a amphitheater way, providing viewing enjoyment for everyone not on the absolute front row.

I think we annoyed the people sitting closest to us, but really, you bring two pirate liking Johnny Depp fans to see a movie that has both, you should expect some noises.

My host dad had driven us to the theater and was supposed to pick us up after the movie. When the movie ended, however, he was stuck in whatever he was doing and couldn't pick us up. Jackson and I were left pondering what to do to entertain ourselves until we could get picked up.

Let's just say that watching the same movie twice is funny on multiple levels, one of them being the look on the ticket seller's face when we bought new tickets not 20 mins after the previous showing had ended. I also got into trouble with a woman I had never met as well. Apparently, Jackson's grandmother thought me a bad influence at the time. That got sorted out later, though, but looking back, it's quite amusing.

The second encounter with the same movie theater was a little more stressful.

Jackson and I had made plans to go and see "Troy" and we imagined that it would be fine since I was 18 and Jackson had turned 17. Turns out, that you have to be 21 to accompany a person without ID to see a R-rated movie. Much talking and waiting later, we were allowed to buy tickets, but we had to wait till the commercials had started. We seriously had to be alone with the ticket seller in order to get tickets, all because the guy didn't believe that Jackson was 17. The movie was worth the trouble, though.

I have one more funny movie theater adventure, but that will have to wait for another time.